Dean and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Check-Up
by The-Turducken-Affairs
Summary: Dean has to get a check-up because he has a urinary tract infection. Sam is there. Warnings: Sam is relentless, two references to events in season 4 (can take place any season after that), and one very uncomfortable encounter of medical necessity.


**Disclaimer: If Supernatural were mine, Dean and Sam would go to the hospital more often for concussions.**

**A/N: I'm not sure what I think about this one, but hopefully you all like it.**

Dean has spent most of his childhood and all of his very short adulthood hunting. He carries guns in his pants, knives down his boots, and he knows exactly what a well-timed smile and wink can get him. To sum it up, Dean is a badass.

Right now though, Dean is not feeling very much like a man, hunter, or badass, because he in a very bad, very uncomfortable situation.

Generally, he has no issues strutting through sterile halls and sitting on cold, metal surfaces while sneaking peaks at the chests of some _very_ talented medical professionals. This time around though, the doctor is a man, Dean may or may not being having issues involving the lower half of his body, and Sam is there.

The argument for Sam being there had been made and won when Dean had growled at the first medical assistant to enter the room. Dean doesn't think that should count though since the man was looking at him funny. Sam says that was just the lazy eye though. _Meh, semantics._

Sam is currently looking at him with caring, brotherly concern and Dean knows it's bullshit. Most people see Sam as a gentle giant (which he kind of his), but Sam has this darkness inside of him. It's the same darkness that led Sam to Ruby and demon blood and right now that darkness is telling him to laugh at Dean. Dean sometimes has swift, startling revelations involving a true understanding of what their father meant when he warned Dean that he may have to kill Sam one day. Dean's fingers twitch.

"It's okay Dean. This happens to a lot of people; just pretend you're on the job and dealing with something sucky." Sam-bitch gives the advice calmly, as if this is an afternoon in a diner and Dean is complaining about not having any pie (which is totally an alarming situation, but Sam's never as perturbed about it as Dean).

Dean nods his head, not because he agrees, but because he can't stand looking at the stupid mutant wrinkles on his stupid brother's stupid five-head any longer.

The doctor has up to this point been giving the two brothers space, as if to allow Dean to mentally prepare himself, but now he steps forward. He's pulling on a pair of latex gloves and snapping them around his wrists as he gets closer and closer to Dean.

"Good afternoon Mr. Winchester," the doctor turns and nods at Sam next, "Mr. Winchester."

Sam smiles like a piece of sunshine is rattling inside his skull, but Dean responds with a bit more menace, teeth shining with saliva and _anger_. The doctor doesn't seem to notice.

"Now, this is a slightly unusual visit, but it seems to me like you may have a urinary tract infection."

All Dean hears is "urinary" and thinks _This will not end well._

Sam seems to focus and become more alert when the doctor says "unusual" and instantly asks, "Unusual?"

The doctor gives a slight smile (Dean begins to think he may be a demon and is ready to grab one of his knives at a moment's notice) and replies airily, "Ah yes, but it's not a problem. It's just that women tend to be more susceptible to UTIs. Don't worry though, your brother is in good hands." _Oh god, he has gloves on._

Sam and he share a look. Dean has made an internal promise to handle whatever comes next with manly poise. Sam is using his eyebrows to talk (he tends to do that a lot). Dean translates the expression to be something akin to saying out loud, "Ohohoho. You don't say, doctor. Well Dean, who's the bitch now?"

Dean swallows nervously and jumps when the doctor places a rubbery hand on his knee. Clearly, while the doctor hadn't notice the terrifying expression Dean had given him just moments ago, the doctor seems to think he can read fear upon Dean's face now. Dean shakes the hand off his knee with a jerk and a scowl.

Sam clears his throat. "So doctor. What makes you think Dean has a urinary tract infection? " _Don't say the words Sammy. Saying its full name gives it power._

"The painful urination and discolored, cloudy urine you two mentioned earlier are clear indicators." _Who could have predicted that his life would involve having semi-serious discussions about pee with his little brother._

"And the really, really terrible smell that occurs whenever Dean urinates?" Sam asks primly, as if he genuinely wasn't sure. _I wanna go back to Hell, I was __**popular**__ back there._

"Yes. That is definitely a symptom of UTIs," the doctor responds seriously, as if he believes Sam's question was of a decent and sincere nature.

"What are we waiting for? Get to it doctor. I've got things to do, burgers to eat," Dean finally says, speaking with authority and herding the check-up back on track. He also leans forward with tensed shoulders, to show that he is ready for anything.

"Alright Dean. The first thing I need to do is give the infected area a thorough examination." Except for that. Even Sam looks a bit queasy.

* * *

Now, let's spend a moment to take note of something that is important to understand.

A moment of fear is almost spiritual in severity. It is in that moment that a man is realized. He will run or he will fight. Maybe even freeze. The man and what frightens him most share a primal bond. It far exceeds the range of any other emotion; the lust for a woman, the hatred of an adversary, the gluttonous wanting for red meat. In that way, it is so pure. Fear has a way of restoring a man to his most basic foundation of character.

In Dean's moment of fear, he utters a single whimper.

* * *

"Now, now. It's really not that bad Mr. Winchester," the doctor has reverted back to formality, as if it can compensate for the closeness the two will share momentarily.

"I'm going to… Go over there." Sam points towards the exit of the exam room and proceeds to hauls major ass. As he passes through the gateway of safety and innocence, he looks back to Dean and mouths "behave". Dean will not be held accountable for anything that happens past this point.

The next three minutes are a blur and Dean attributes this to the one part of his brain that isn't filled with self-loathing. Then it is over and Dean feels vulnerable for the first time since last week when an older man walked in on him having sex with his daughter (She was totally legal, her parents were just in town visiting- she told him when they were both on the sidewalk outside her house and Dean was putting his pants on).

Dean can still feel long, latex fingers ghosting over his balls even as Sam reenters the room. Sam looks like he could bust out whistling at any moment. Dean feels justified in deciding that any familial connection between him and Sam has been quickly and forever snipped away- Dean has no brother now.

Sam and the doctor begin talking about something, but Dean lets their voices float above him as tuneless nonsense. Dean is rebuilding himself to be a stronger man, overcoming the trauma.

Dean is having a truly rotten day though, because he emotionally mends himself just in time to hear Sam ask, "Is there anything Dean can do to avoid the reemergence of a urinary tract infection?"

The doctor draws out his sentence, each word lingering and torturous, "UTIs sometimes just happen, but they can manifest due to bacteria spread from poor hygiene or sex."

Sam nods sagely and says, "Yes, my brother does like to have a lot of sex. I take it he should stop all sexual activity while he recovers? After all, You did say that urinary tract infections can be spread that way."

The doctor chuckles. _Why are you laughing? This is serious, as in not funny and possible life threatening. _"Yes, that's a good point Sam. Alright buddy, listen to your big brother now."

Dean is a hunter. He knows his way around a bar and a crime scene. He fights with skill and iron. He takes care of the people important to him. To sum it up, Dean is a badass.

Right now though, Dean is not feeling very much like a man, hunter, or badass. _Latex gloves, genital examination, no sex, being called buddy, and now this? Sam- the big brother? _

Dean needs to kill something, preferably with his bare hands. It's a toss up to if it'll be the doctor or Sam.


End file.
